|
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-0/10
Well, I saw it, and honestly, it was pretty fucking awful. I cannot say that the people behind this movie got anything right.
I almost don't where to start. Guess it'll be the story itself, which was barely there. Literally, the plot was was near non existence. I do not know exactly what this movie was about. I do know the white man wanted to be rich (more rich?), and the Japanese guy wanted.....I don't recall exactly what he wanted.
Speaking of him, Shredder was completely useless in this movie. He doesn't say or do much of anything. He has zero presence, zero panache. The original did such a great job of building him up and creating this aura around him to the point where, when he finally showed, it was amazing and the highlight scene of the film. In this one, you see him twice, and then he's got his awfully megatron shredder outfit, which, even in the context of the film, is utterly ridiculous.
He also has zero connection with the turtles. None. Nothing. Why he cares about them, why he wants them dead, why he even gives two flying fucks is beyond me. I think the original idea was legitimately to have Fitchner play Shredder, and when fans had a hissy fit, the lackluster crew decided to heave a quick, meaningless rewrite into the film, thinking they would appease the fan base.
The turtles were awful, too. I was hoping to at least enjoy there banter and seeing them on screen, but they were so under fucking developed. They literally showed up, and that was it. Nothing personal about them. Nothing to make you care. Just a bunch of junk plastered all over them, stupid dialogue and boner jokes, and no chemistry between any of them. They were just there. To give the villains and April something to do, and nothing more.
Splinter was shit too. Looked liked shit. His origin was shit. And apparently, reading a picture book on ninjitsu not only makes you have a subtle Japanese accent, it causes you to dress like a ninja master and somehow know about the Shredder, a being you have never met and have zero reason as to knowing who they are or that they even exist.
This movie just doesn't have it. It's not even hilariously bad. It has no reason to exist, and the story itself is not memorable at all. The movie literally just happens. The first one had a strong underlying theme of family, and what that means to the different characters. This movie's theme was...well, I don't know, but it was fucking atrocious.
Sad thing is, it's making money despite being really, really bad, which means there's no doubt going to be a sequel, which is only going to get worse.
|