Bobby Lashley Family Stories
 

Bobby Lashley may or may not have grown up in a cult.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WbuKWyOKpJM" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Things Lashley's sisters did:

1) Tied him up and abandoned him in the woods
2) Carried around a dirty towel
3) Carried a broom, and then beat the shit out of him with it and maybe left a scar
4) Carried a helmet and beat the shit out of him with it when he hid it and maybe left a scar.

Please use this thread to come up with equally plausible and bat-shit stories for next week's promo.

So, I had totally tuned out during this segment....... how exactly do they think Bobby talking about getting bullied by his sisters is going to get him over?

" Renee, did I tell you about the time my sister forced me to shove hotwheels up my butt, while i make car honking noises? She's was such a rascal. I loved her so much. "

"RENEE--did I ever tell you about the time my older cousin Janela once force-fed me LSD and then saran wrapped me inside a car in the desert? WHAT A PRANKSTER"

"Renee, did I ever tell you about the time that my sisters buried me alive in a small wooden coffin and I had to punch and dig my way out before I ran out of air? That was the best 4th of July ever."

" Renee, did I tell you about the time my sister held a gun to my head and made me watch our mother and father have sex with each other. She always had my back. "

" Renee, I'm not a stranger to wrestling on the highest levels. I once wrestled with my sister on the edge of the Grand Canyon before she subsequently shoved me over the edge. She really toughened me up. "

I've started to read this thread in the voice of the pilot in the movie "Airplane!"

" Renee, long before I went to wrestling school, I learned to take bumps every day when my sisters would throw me from a moving vehicle on the highway as we returned home from school. They are my hero's "

"Renee, my Auntie Charlamange once took me out to the woods to shoot some cans. When we got there, she instead shot me in the leg and left me to crawl my own way back home. That's how I learned to never give up."

"You know, Renee--Family is really important to me. That reminds me of this one time my sister Cynthia found one of my father's grenades. She pulled the pin and threw it into my room, and I knew I had to protect the rest of the family. So, I swallowed that darn thing whole. And that's why I now have to poop into a bag."

"Renee. Did I ever tell you how I got this scar. Well my oldest sister wanted to be a magician and needed someone for the sawing the body in half skit. Nobody in the house ever watched that old show on FOX where magic tricks got exposed so my sister just winged the trick on the fly.

.. No not that scar Renee, this one. That other scar was when one of my sisters' promised a pinata for a friend's party and used me instead as a last minute replacement."

Damn, just watched the segment. Fully expecting Bobby to pull a Coach Carter and name his moveset after his sisters. Of course Cole would be doing most the work there but it needs to happen.

"I believe in taking care of my family, Renee. That's why when I was younger, my sisters had me fight mangy badgers in our backyard. They used to record them on VHS and sell them in underground flea markets. One time they gave Ol Mangy Barry a 2x4 with some nails stuck in it, and that's why I have a plate in my forearm."

Cole: "Lashley with a devastating Jessica(spear) to Reigns."

Coach: "His sister Jessica used do that to him as a kid."

Graves: "Shut up."

Lashley after winning match: " Reigns is a lucky man, when I was a kid my sister Jessica would make me grow my fingernails to outlandish length so she could whittle them sharp and wrap me stiff in duct tape to use me as a spear for fishing as we were too poor to afford fishing poles."

Spoiler: All of Bobby Lashley's sisters was Raven in drag.

"Renee... you watch gladiator movies?"

Hope this leads to Bobby reciting all the deaths from the saw series inflicted on him by his sisters.

" Renee, I'll never forget the first time I watched Old Yeller. I cried so hard when Yeller died. My sister decided that I needed to be toughened up so she kidnapped 7 neighborhood dogs and forced me to cut there heads off and bathe in there blood. The next day i turned 5 years old. It was from that moment on, I learned blood was thicker than water Renee. Especially dog blood. "

"Renee, every February when I was a kid my sisters used to stick their fingers in their butt and give me a shitler mustache. It was great of them to do it only in February since its the month with the least amount of days. That's family, love you my sisters!"

“Renee, my sisters are the best. One of them learnt how to edit video with school. She got clips from obscure Japanese horror films and spliced them with personal home videos of me. I thought ghost children were coming for me.”

I cannot believe this is a thing. The phoniness of this. Wow. I actually wondered if they were going for a “JR/Mankind” thing, with Bobbly eventually revealing the emotional trauma has left him a dangerous man.

RENEE: Still, you beat the court-martial and even graduated. By then you had stolen cars and run moonshine. You'd had a drink. You'd had your first joint. You'd lost your virginity.

LASHLEY: [Pauses] That was at a very young age. I remembered, probably in the first grade, being invited to a matinee film with my stepbrother and his girlfriends, and I remember them playing with me. Playing with my penis, and giggling. I thought that was pretty cool. That was my initiation into sex. At that age you don't necessarily achieve an erection, but it was cool. At around the same time there was a girl my age who was, in essence, my cousin. Later in life she actually wound up marrying that asshole Leo Lupton, my stepfather! Boy, this sounds like Tobacco Road. Anyway, I remember the two of us being so curious about each other's bodies but not knowing what the hell to do. We would go into the woods and get naked together. It felt good. And for some reason I wanted to put crushed leaves into her. Don't know why, but I remember that. I don't remember the first time I had intercourse, believe it or not.

Wait, that was Vince and Playboy...

Sounds like Vince thought this segment was great and we'll be getting more sit-down Lashley Stories.

I can't be the only one who found the presentation of it hilarious. Renee Young is very good at her job, but it felt like she was taking the piss.

I was kinda expecting Renee to just break out laughing.

God, that was just so uncomfortable. What's the plan here? How is he supposed to seriously get over by doing this?

(I don't have any funny things, so I'll just be over here bewildered.)

"My sisters are the funniest, Renee. Jasmine smooshed female hormones and steroids into my cereal every morning. That's why my pecs are like this and my voice is like this. She was a big fan of She-Hulk. I couldn't watch, because I was blindfolded and dropped into a neighboring, unfamiliar suburb by Carol, who also liked a good joke."

"Renee did I ever tell you about the time one of my sisters held me down while my other sister started screaming in my ear with a megaphone?"

Oh good times.

"Renee let me tell you a funny story about the time my sister's strapped me to the bed and put a starving rat on my stomach then they placed a pan over the rat and started to heat it I could feel rat start to digging into my stomach to escape. Love them so much."

"You know, Renee, I've been a champion everywhere I went. That will to be the best came from when my sister Clarice used to take me to soapbox derbies. If I didn't win, she'd fill the derby car with fire ants and make me ride in it the whole way home. If I did win, she'd punch me in the mouth. I love my sisters."

*Chuckles* "did I tell you about the time Renee when my dear sisters watched Aliens and then threatened to snap my pet hamster's neck unless I played The Knife Game blindfolded with our dads Bowie knife? Boy I'll tell you I came really close to losing three of my fingers that day.
Gosh those Halcyon Days"

"Renee did I ever tell you how my sisters were huge wrestling fans during the Attitude Era. Their favorite thing was to recreate memorable WWF moments with me such as tossing me off the top of a barn like Foley with his famous Cell toss or feeding me food like Big Boss Man did to Al Snow.

Renee why are you giving me that look? We did have a pet dog at the time but my sisters said he ran away because he thought WWF was lame and wanted to live with a WCW loving family instead"

"Renee I remember how obsessed I was with Glacier as a kid I wanted to be just like him so my sister's tried to help me by dripping battery acid in one of my eyes to turn it light blue"

"Renee, growing up in Denver, we got to see so much snow. My sisters used to play wrestling with me. I would put on my swimming trunks and then they would play the bad guy, get me to chase them outside, then another would lock the door behind me. Man, Renee, let me tell you *chuckles* I got so cold out there. I literally changed color -- my sisters started calling me 'Blueby' and 'adopted piece of shit'. I would step to anyone who disrespected them."

"As you surely know, Renee, I only have two losses in MMA. It turns out my sisters were spiking my water bottles before my big fights. They got me again, Renee."

" Renee, I'm not a stranger to being screwed in todays business. I learned a lot about being screwed from my three sisters who used to tie me to the bed and take turns pegging me while our parents were away at work. They always looked out for me. They got me ready for the real world. "